by Rose Chen
Matt (age three, annoyed) : Why does snot keep flowing? WATER should flow. Do we take a shower with snot? Of course not, we take a shower with water, right? right? right?
Me: Oh, NO! Not red light again!
Matt : That’s okay mommy, you just have to stop, that’s all!
Sometimes life’s greatest lessons come out of the mouth of three year olds.
But…. at the next three or four red light…
Me : Why do I bump into red light everytime I am late?
Matt : I told you! You have to drive faster! FASTER mommy… zooom.. like that, then you won’t bump into red light anymore.
Matt (age three) woke up this morning (Saturday) : Has P gone to school?
Me : It’s Saturday Matt, no school today.
Matt : But my watch says it’s Friday today.
He doesn’t have a watch!
Matt (age six) : Mommy, why did Daddy say eating fish can make you smart? How does it work? Does it fill in things-I-don’t-know holes in my brain so I understand stuff?
Mommy : Hahaha… Sort of… There are stuff called DHA…Omega 3 in fish that can make you smart.
Matt : Ahhhh… So fish has smart ingredients.
Matt (age five), after a short talk about babies : When will JieJie (big sister) give birth to babies?
Me : When she is married.
Matt: When will she marry? To whom? Big brother?
Me: NO! With her boyfriend.
Matt : Then why did you marry daddy and not your boyfriend?
Good question, Matt, good question…
Riding motorbike on the way home from school.
Matt (age five): Wow mom! There are so many people wearing coats.
Me : Not ‘many’, but ‘all’.
Matt : Why?
Me : Why? Because it’s winter.
Matt : No one not wearing coat?
Me: If you see one who is not wearing coat outside their house, Matt, (I was tired and began to be really annoyed with all the ‘why-s’)maybe he forgets. Secondly, well, maybe he is just being silly.
Matt : And thirdly, maybe he REALLY does not feel the cold.
Me: You have to know your priorities. First, you have to eat, then you do your homework.
Matt (age five): I know why I have to eat first.
Me : Why?
Matt: If I don’t eat, I will die. If I die, I can not do my homework.
Matt (age five) and I were reading ‘Little Wolf’s Book Of Badness’. He read and when we came to difficult words, I read for him. Most of the times, I made sure he understand what we read. We came to ‘Now it is hard to tell if you have come to a river or a bit of bacon rind.’
Me: Hmmm… I am not sure what this bacon rind means.’
Matt : It’s a place where you buy bread.
(Obviously he had ‘bakery’ in his mind)
Matt (age five) : What is that smell? My nose doesn’t like it!
I told Matt (age two) that he couldn’t have the Pringles because it is hot (spicy flavor) so he blew on it to ‘cool’ it down.
Matt’s homework is writing ‘What are you going to be for Halloween?’
Matt (age five): Mom, do you know why it is ‘going’, not ‘go’?
Me : Because it’s future tense, you are talking about something in future.
Matt : What else?
Me : When you are talking about what you are doing now.
Matt : What else?
Me : What do you mean what else?
Matt: Because it got ‘i-n-g!’ so, it is ‘going’ and not ‘go’.
Pauline (age fifteen) : The older you get, the shorter you would think a two-year period is, because you compare it with how long you have lived.
On the way to school.
Matt (age five): Noooo, please don’t turn red, don’t turn red. (the traffic light)
Me: That’s okay, if it turns red, then I will have more time with you before we reach school. I need more time with you, you grow so fast. If you grow this fast, in a short time, I won’t have a baby anymore.
Matt: You can always give birth to a new one.
Matt’s K teacher has been on maternity leave for almost one month.
Matt : ‘Oh mommy, why does it take Ms. T so long to come back? Did she give birth to a lot of babies?’
Apparently he thinks she gives birth like hens lay eggs.
Matt : Mom, do you know what a sleeveless pants is called?
Me (after one second) : an underwear?
Matt : Yup! You got it!
Matt (age five) colored his ice cream picture blue.
Me (like, huh?, blue?): And just what flavor is blue ice cream, Matt?
Matt (without missing a beat): Blueberry of course!
Matt (age five): Can someone play with me?
Me: Matt, there are boys out there who don’t have sisters or brothers and they can play by themselves.
Matt: Well, I have two brothers, one sister, a daddy and a mommy, but no one would play with me?
Matt 1, Mommy 0.
Matt (age four): Mommy, do you know what you call yesterday’s tomorrow? It’s ‘now’.
Me: I can not wear you, you are too big, I have no energy for that. Walk by yourself.
Matt (age four): I told you, you have to eat more!
Me : Then I will gain weight.
Matt: Not if you exercise after that. Then you will be hungry again, you eat again, then you exercise again so you won’t get fat.
Me: Tell me first which word you are going to write so you don’t have to erase if you match the wrong the name to the wrong picture.
Matt (age five) : But I am going to answer them all right!
Not Every One Knows What Booger Is!
Matt (age three) picked his nose, showed Mr. Mike (his English teacher) and said (literally),’Booger!’
Please don’t tell Mr. Mike I am his mother.
Matt (age three) : Mommy, why does the booger keep getting into my nose?
Andrew (age eight): Do you know who this is? (showing the clay face sculpture he made at school)
Matt (age three) : MR.BEAN!!!!
Andrew : mmm… no!
several guess later…
Andrew: It’s YOU!!!!
Matt : Mmm, no, it looks like Potato Head to me.
Andrew: Here is your nose and your booger is inside it.
Be Honest! Give Compliments!
Putting on my yoga outfit getting ready for gym.
Matt (age three): That is sooo beautiful.
Me : Awww… thanks, Matt.
Matt : Not you! I meant this outfit.
Picked up Matt (age three) from school, kissed him and he said, ‘Huahahahaha, we both smell, right?’
Matt (age two) messed my desktop and I fixed it. He looked at it, opened wide his eyes and exclaimed, ‘WOWZER mommy! You DID IT! YOU ARE SOOO AWESOME mommy!
Say ‘I Love You’ Often
Matt (age three) : I love you mommy!
Me : I love you, too, Matt!
Matt: I love you ten times, mommy!
Me : I love you eleven times, Matt!
Matthew: I love you thirty-six, mommy!
and so on…
Matt (age four): I am sooo happy.
Dad : Tell me three things that make you happy.
Matt: First, I love you, second, I love you. Third, I love you again.
Don’t Wear Purple!
Matt (age three) opened his eyes one morning, ‘Whoaaaa… I don’t want you to wear purple, I want you to wear that black-green and white shirt.’ And proceeded to cry until I changed.
You know you teach him right when he gave you that Christmas card he got from his classmate and wrote your name on the envelope, recycle dude… no wasting in this house.
Matt (age five): Grandma, today is the happiest day.
Grandma : Why?
M: Because today is my friend’s birthday.
G: Ha! It’s your friend’s, not yours.
M: All the same, I still got cake to eat.
Come On! Kids Are Fun!
Hairdresser: How do you like it?
Gideon (age seven): I want my curls cut off.
Hairdresser: aw, they are nice.
Gideon: Curls are dangerous. All the girls like them.
First day of summer vacation…
Movie : Pirates of Caribbean 4
Snack : Vanilla & Sour Cream pound Cake
Conversation of the day : early sex education with the preschooler.
Mother’s condition at the end of the day : severe headache.
Yesterday : The fifteen years old helped the nine years old with the school work.
Today : The nine yo rubbed the five yo’s aching stomach while he was on the potty then proceeded to report to me the size and consistency of the poop.
I am one blessed momma.
Me: You have to write each word five times, that was what Miss T said.
Matt (age five): But this is MY homework, surely I have the RIGHT to decide how many times I want to write MY homework. I want to write each word twice.
Ups, I have a democrat in the house.